suicide: the wake is wide.

There has been something weighing on my heart for years and I have resisted writing about it. Resisted because I cannot write well enough to explain it, or honor well its wounded. I have resisted the depth of pain it may trigger and the total loss for words it can bring. I am no expert, and have no answers of my own. Today I cautiously enter that unfilled space and seek Gods word about it. Because people are suffering, and suicide touches so many lives.

The first time our family was impacted by this horror was 2010, when our youngest daughter was in high school, a small Christian high school. One of her classmates, a popular athlete, believer, one she even dated, took his own life. It was shockingly tragic. It permeated lives of many. It left many unanswered questions and many heavy what ifs. Since then, I have heard of numerous school age suicides. We all likely know of at least one.

Then a few years ago, I was affected again, by the suicide of the very man who first preached the gospel to me. Let me type that out again - the very man who shared Christ with me and pursued my faith before I even knew what to do with it. A co-worker and close friend, he knew me both before and after I came to know Jesus. His diligence and relentlessness in spreading the gospel was a bold, glaring light on my path toward God. I will never forget that, despite his inconceivable death. He left behind his own family plus a multitude of changed lives in his wake. Appropriate, since his love on earth was ocean surfing. He literally left a wake everywhere he went, in his living and his dying. He never gave up on broken people, and never stopped glorifying God in everything he did - until his final action. Not long before he died, we celebrated with each other the joy in being brothers and sisters under Christ. He was a willing vessel who never stopped short in speaking about the Jesus who saved him. God used him to point me away from sin and see my own need for a Savior. His death has been especially thorny to me. I loved him so, and hope to hug his neck in Heaven someday.

So it goes with suicide, both children and adults are vulnerable. It is all around us and hurts us all the same. It has no favorites, does not discriminate, and spreads devastation far and wide. You too may have been touched by such a loss.

Have you ever spoken to someone who has expressed wanting to end their lives? It is terribly hard to hold. What do we do with that? I am not properly equipped to wrangle that here. I can only explore what I find God says about the matter and hope to encourage someone today while also wrapping my own mind around it. I have been unable to reconcile it for some time.

One grievance with suicide, and there are many, is the sin stain. Murder is sin: murder of others, murder of self. There is no question in that. It is the 6th Commandment, Exodus 20:13. But what is murder? In Hebrew as well as English, there is a distinction between killing and murder. While killing is in some cases allowed, and not the point of this post, murder is the taking of life without legal or moral justification. Then Jesus expands on this in Matthew chapter 5. He explains the heart of the commandment is to not even hate someone in our heart, as that can lead to wishing someone were dead without ever having the boldness or means to actually do it. So, to God, our heart filled with hate for someone, or self, is also punishable. Both are sin. Yes, the one who takes their life is sinning. The one who hates or wishes death on another is sinning. All unjustified murder, or hatred of others or self, leaves a sin stain.

Another edge of the pain around suicide is the question of forgiveness of such sin. I can come to grips with my friend sinning. We all do. But a question I wrestle with is can our loved one be forgiven for that sin, especially if it is their last action on earth? In other words, was there even time to repent? I also grapple with how a believer arrives at a place where they see suicide as the only option left. How does a brother who accepts the cross get to that depth of hopelessness? Since I find the latter so deeply painful and no intelligible words to approach it, let’s talk about the first.

What I know for sure is that we are not to know who is eternally cursed and who is eternally saved. We are not equipped to carry that information, or meant to have that awareness. We do not know who Gods children are or are not…and that is a blessing for our own good! I also know God does not determine our salvation based on one action we do….thankfully. God did however base our forgiveness on one action His Son did on the cross. We are only called to confess and repent. So did our loved one confess and were they able to repent before their last breath? With that we are left holding a cracked cup full of murky uncertainty that can shatter us if we lose proper perspective.

The only perspective needed is this: God can forgive any sin, and any sinner can be saved. May our questions and our pain never get in the way of that truth. And if God can forgive my friend, so will I.

As I travel down this boundless heartache, I contemplate Gods willingness to show mercy to a believer who decides to end his own life. Will He show mercy to someone who is, in action, doing the exact juxtaposition of surrender to Him? Will God give mercy to one who is taking their own life out His hands and deciding for themselves how it will end?

Ahh…but can any man remove himself from Gods hands at all?

We must always remember, God can do anything. God is God, and we are not. And no force can thwart Gods plan, Job 42: 2.

Next, I find comfort in the gospel of John. Here, as Jesus explains to his disciples what it means to be his sheep, the Jews were approaching Jesus and demanding Jesus tell them ‘plainly’ that he is the Messiah. So in perfect form, Jesus answers them with riddles and finishes with this: “My sheep hear my voice, I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all. No one is able to snatch them out of the Fathers hand, I and the Father are one. John 10:27-30.

Tears rise up in me as I take John’s letter into account. I can clearly accept that no one, en route to Heaven, can remove themselves from that holy landing place. Not one is lost. If God has called you to His Kingdom, you are certain to arrive there. If God has predestined you to be His child, a citizen of Heaven, you are 100% assured to reach home. This is where my heart lies still and weeps in deep gratitude. Holy, reverent gratitude.

On the other hand, if it is Gods sovereign plan that one has a hardened heart and not sealed in the Book of Life, they will not reach Heaven no matter what they do. That truth is hard to take in, but it remains before us. Both eternal life for the believer, and death for the non believer are true.

I will show mercy to whom I will show mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. So then, it does not depend on human will or effort but on God who shows mercy. Romans 9:5-16

With a humbling resolve, let’s remember we never know all the facts. We cannot see the entire puzzle in one view but are rather left with random pieces that often don’t seem to fit. We do not fully know God’s plans, nor do we have any cognitive ability to comprehend His beautiful design. We must surrender a good chunk of our questions and leave them be. But we can mourn the earthly loss, lament our friends hopelessness, and find some comfort for our grieving hearts in Gods word. Always, the only answers we need, are in Gods word. Let us keep our minds from entertaining too many questions that weigh us down and stifle the truth. When it comes to the suicide of a loved one, questions can start to blot out what we ought remember about them instead.

But knowing truths helps us understand that someone in the depths of anguish, enough so to end their own life, can still be shown great mercy. Even my friend Ben. It also reminds us that tragic as it is, God allowed it. That does not mean God wanted your loved one to take their own life, but they were allowed to have freedom in their actions. However, regardless of our actions, his final ruling is guaranteed. We may take the long or short way around the plan, but we will all either arrive at Heavens gates or the gates of Hell. Finally, the only answer that matters is that I simply do not know where my friend is. Or your loved one. Or anyone who ends their life. We just won’t know, yet.

What I do know: the good Ben brought to this earth while he was here. I can testify to that goodness, and bear the fruit of it. So what I have found to be healing is remembering those things above and beyond his final thing. I must rejoice in all the ways he helped me grow in my faith, where God has been glorified; not in where he found himself in that desperate moment, but where Jesus hung on the cross for him.

We have learned much today. To trust and know that God is good, sovereign over all - including those who commit suicide - and will be ultimately glorified through all. It must be enough to continue in hope that those who are gone had tasted the goodness of God before they ended their lives. We know forgiveness of sin rests in Jesus, and we know that any sinner can be forgiven, even in their final breath. Again, God is free to gift his mercy to anyone, at any time. Let that resound in your heart.

We can leave our questions at the cross and instead learn from tragedies. Both our loved ones AND our answers are in the Fathers hands. So what might God be saying? We know people all around us are broken and hurting. There are people who feel hopeless, and have moments of despair. So perhaps lives already ended can teach us how we can care for lives still here.

Finally then, love one another in action, with great compassion. Really love one another. Care well for those who are hurting. Check in with those who speak of hopelessness, or are suffering. Pay attention to those who are depressed and alone. Reach out to those who are crying for help. Be present for the sick, the anxious. Know one another deeply and genuinely.

Leave no one unloved, unseen or unheard.

If you are the person hurting, hopeless or suffering, reach out. Ask for help. There is a God who loves you and cares about your burdens. There is a hope whose name is Jesus, and healing is yours to have, if you'll seek Him.

Suicide Hotline - Help is available: call or text 988