hallelujah: hard fought.

I am delighted to write this today, and hoping to organize a wide array of thoughts and events in a cohesive way that reveal a bigger, more important spiritual lesson. I feel an urgency to keep this conversation going, because God is going to be celebrated! Yes He is. And He’s writing beautiful, intertwined stories through my life and others in my life. All that said, there are a few sequential events that lead me to this post today.

Some years ago, I fell in love with a particular worship song, “Gratitude”, in a deeply meaningful way. My soul in agreement with every single word of it. The song reflected the story of King David, who often preached to himself to praise the Lord (hallelujah), as read through his Psalms.  Even when it was hard, when he (as a sinner) had nothing else to offer God, when he failed in his flesh; David would at least, at the end of every struggle and every complaint, praise the Lord. He sang and danced so freely in worship that people thought he acted foolish. His sometimes tumultuous circumstances didn’t stifle his faith but instead gave him even more to write and sing about. Worship, praise and gratitude toward God in the midst of struggle is the focus here.

“Why my soul, are you dejected? Why are you in such turmoil? Put your hope in God, for I will praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm of David, 43:5

Meanwhile, over the last year, while completing a Christ centered 12 step recovery program called re:generation, God did a mighty work transforming me in ways I didn’t actually know I needed transforming. Bringing awareness to idols that I had been blind to, and healing from strongholds that needed releasing. In that came deliverance from a lifetime of fear and anxiety. Monsters I finally experienced freedom from. Like a-bird-leaving-its-cage-for-the-first time free.

On another note, earlier this year I lost my dad, which contributed to more growth from the Lord. Watching my dad fight cancer until his last days whilst also coming to accept Jesus for the first time in his life was a gift that I can never express enough gratitude for. God was so kind to me, to my dad, and to our whole family during that difficult time.

While these various things were happening, I also developed a strange frustration toward the Lord. He had (it seemed) either removed or blocked some important things from me over the last two years. The latest was a shoulder injury that hindered a passion of mine, paddle boarding. That same injury has also kept me from running, another thing I truly enjoy. While they are trivial aggravations, I found myself complaining to God (and everyone around me) that He was denying me things I love. Denying me to be healthy. Denying me joys. This was my selfish narrow thinking which I am not pleased to confess…but in the interest of rigorous honesty I will.

I recognize now many of the things He was pruning from my life were, or were becoming, idols of mine. Things we love too much can become the very things that wall us in. Idols get in the way of us communing with Him, seeking Him, and relying on Him. Idols keep us from receiving the provisions of our Father. Idols also keep us from surrendering and submitting to the Majestic One who created us. And as re:generation showed me, He can prune idols that stunt our growth. It seems to me in this season, He is laser focused on the idols of mine that involve control, which I still battle.

It was as if everything in me had become a battle. A battle through nine months of deep digging through re:generation. Fighting for my shoulder to heal through rest and physical therapy. Fighting for sleep, which has also become terribly disrupted. Fighting my body to get regulated. Fighting to keep my faith front and center in the midst of my own petty grievances. Everything being dysregulated within me, angst and anger were becoming constant.

But hang with me, this is not a woe is me story.

Another attempt at regaining regulation was learning more about the autonomic nervous system, our brains, and trauma. In August, I was referred to a chiropractor who specialized in nervous system balancing. The focus being to heal our bodies from the inside out. I’ve never been a champion for chiropractic care; it just hasn’t been my thing. But I decided there could actually be value in re-adjusting my nervous system, and I was pretty sure mine needed help.

The chiropractor had forewarned in the beginning that as my body heals, temporary but unpleasant things may occur. Because our bodies store toxins, stress, traumas and injuries for years, there would be much undoing to be done. They said to anticipate signs of ‘rebalancing’ as my nervous system was waking up and relearning how to function. Rewiring of the body, not just the brain. Honestly, I wasn’t optimistic for results but decided to give it a try.

Around this time, a new song, “Hard Fought Hallelujah”, came out that resonated with several re:generation friends and me in the same way, reminding us of the battles we have fought, with Christ of course. Also a reminder that when we can’t, God will fight for us. And even more, Jesus fought on our behalf in the tomb for three days, for our right to sing hallelujah at all. All our battles have already been won. Six friends and I got matching tattoos together a few weeks ago. On my dad’s birthday no less. And in King David style, mine says “all that I have is a hard fought hallelujah”, which for me reflects both songs and psalms.

Also recently, I began having severe heart palpitations, diagnosed as premature ventricular contractions or PVC’s. These episodes became worrisome; daily and lasting up to 9 hours at a time. They made me dizzy and nauseous, and sent my blood pressure upward. It was unsettling to feel radical turbulence in my heart as it moved to my throat and head for hours on end. To no surprise, it also flared up my dormant anxiety. Severe anxiety. The two seemed to run concurrent, each impacting the other as my body and my mind screamed chaotically to each other.

After visiting the ER three times over two weeks and on the last, got admitted, I was sure I was having a heart attack. The doctors kept me a few days for monitoring and testing. During the imaging portion of the stress test I began feeling a little anxious, but I happened to glance at the healing tattoo on my arm and it prompted me to recite all the hallelujah’s I could think of. The entire 12 minutes of the scan. Over and over thanking and praising God for everything from creation to the powerful waves I have seen, to the feeling I currently had in my toes (cold in fact). Focusing on praising God instantly settled me. My mind and my body calmed, and peace washed over me. The living Word was active in that moment. My mind became quiet enough to rest in Him, and it was beautiful.

Tests came back normal and I went home Thanksgiving afternoon. With no real explanation on why this was happening, they prescribed a medication to reduce PVC’s. Is this somehow an indication that my body is healing from the inside out?

Once home, another episode came. I took a moment to stop and pause. I needed the Lord. And I needed Him to show up in a big way. As my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and my head was getting light, I stopped, knelt, and closed my eyes crying out to God. Asking for help.

Suddenly 2 Timothy 1:7 came to mind, repeating it over and over…and over and over….for nearly an hour straight. In between the verse, I would praise Him for all I could think of. Over and over in the face of fear and discomfort.

For He has not given me a spirit of fear but one of power and of love and of a sound mind. - 2 Timothy 1:7

As I sat there repeating the verse, along with all the thanks I could identify, my body calmed. My mind calmed. My heart calmed. It was like a literal pumping of peace through my IV battered veins. He gave me soundness to fight in that moment. Or, He gave me soundness to sit still while HE FOUGHT. Gods word is living and active, and brought supernatural quietness in that very moment…again. It was the first time the PVC episode passed that quickly and naturally. A beautiful reminder of the power of His word. The power of prayer.

The power of crying out to Him in helpless submission.

Why does all this matter? Well, we have to go to the Bible to understand. Let’s visit the Old Testament and the crossing of the Red Sea. As Pharaohs armies approached and the Israelites trembled with fear, Moses said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Stand firm and see the Lord’s salvation that he will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you must be quiet.” Exodus 14:13-14. I can’t help but find this to be the case for me during this time. The more quiet I got, the more I could focus on gratitude for His goodness, the more He intervened. For any of you who struggle with anxiety, and understand the noise it causes in our head, this quiet place was like balm to my soul.

Another example comes from Paul, who instructs the church in Philipi to not worry about anything but give all petitions to the Lord with thanks and gratitude. Even in the midst of Pauls suffering, alone in prison, he still praised the Lord. And if the people did that Paul said, the peace of God would guard their hearts and minds, as it had his own. He also finished it with the instruction to dwell on these things that are good and praiseworthy. Not to dwell on what we are afraid of, but dwell on the goodness of God. He was explempefying taking thoughts captive and obedient to Christ.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus…anything praiseworthy - dwell on these things. Philippians 4:6-7

Isaiah tells us in chapter 26 verse 3 that God will "keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." In Colossians 3:15 we read "Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts". We could go on. There are many instances in the Bible where people have suffered, had unmet expectations, disappointments, faced hardships, threats and illness. There are many of these people who in the face of any of those things, stayed loyal to God and remained steady in the face of fear. They continued to praise the Lord, and trust His will, while suffering. Job, Jeremiah, Moses, Ruth, the bleeding woman, Habikuk of course, and on and on. We all have plenty of reasons to be downtrodden in this fallen world, but we always have moreso to rejoice in. It's a choice, a perspective shift.

Today, a few weeks out from the hospital, the medication seems to be working. It has had side effects of its own but becoming manageable. I continue the practice of reciting 2 Timothy 1:7 in unpleasant moments, along with my hallelujahs. Praying daily for a sound mind, not an anxious one. Thankful that even when my heart beats out of rhythm, it’s still beating. Today I am celebrating how the Lord has revealed himself to me in the last few weeks and given me generous evidence of His love. The glory is all HIS. He has shown me how to fight, but also how to rest. The dichotomy between fighting and resting as perplexing as they are beautiful. Both pushing hard through something and being still in something, maybe at the same exact time. Now I more tangibly understand what it means to be still, depending on the Lord to get me through what ever I am facing by way of scripture, gratitude and desperate cries. Getting out of my own head and calling out to Him.

Today I understand in a new way how His power can free us from any cage. And how it is our own idolotry that will place us back in it.

How might this encourage you today? In whatever we are facing, wether a medical crisis, a financial strain, a family issue, addiction, or other circumstance…we can fight with His power. We can trust Him always. He is faithful. He does not change. He never leaves us helpless. He generously offers us peace. Mostly, He wants us to rely on Him for that peace.

Through my Step 4 moral inventory, and good friends speaking truth, I recognize running to the ER in a panic (three times) was me trying to clutch control. Me trying to make myself safe. But the night I stopped and sat still in surrender, and dwelled on scripture, peace and safety came like a flood. Obviously there are real threats that need immediate attention, please don’t misunderstand. But there are a good number of things we fear that we need not. Things we drown in under anxiety that God does not want for us. Moments we can choose to activate the sound mind He offers us.

We can not minimize anxiety. It’s had its hooks in me more times that I care to admit. It is longing for safety and irrationally fearing if I don’t get it for myself, I am in perilous danger. But that’s the exact place where God desires my whole heart and unhindered trust. That’s where He will steady me while I am spiraling. I fight with His power in me, and when I need to rest, He will continue the fight for me. In anxious moments when I attempt to grip safety and security for myself, or rely on myself, I am truly flying back into a cage I’ve been freed from.

To end, I do not know what healing results are coming for my body, if at all. I have experienced several positive effects from my chiropractic care and I am growing more certain that these PVC’s are temporary, proof my nervous system is aligning.

What I do know today is that God loves me, and loves you, so much so that He has provided all the instruction we will need to navigate this world and every struggle we will face in it. He left us all the tools we need. His living and active word, His promises, His mercy, His Son. Those are the resources we have to both fight every battle and rest in every battle. What we can do, is praise. We can begin and end every suffering and every fear with heartfelt praise. Raise your own hard fought hallelujah and thank Him for the right to sing!