"There are many sorts of broken hearts, and Christ is good at healing them all."
- Charles Spurgeon
Thoughts are swirling today. I need a cache dump.
Let’s start with this: After this, Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well. Do not sin anymore, so that something worse doesn’t happen to you. John 5:14.
There they were, at the pool called Bethesda, where many lame and disabled lay infirm. Jesus is moved to approach one paralyzed man. He asks the man if he would like to be well…and within moments the man stood up, picked up his mat, and walked. Even more scandalous than the miracle, it was the Sabbath day. The whole scene was racked with controversy. But later that day, Jesus found the man and said the words…"do not sin anymore, so nothing worse happens to you." What do we make of that?
When I read those words, I am instantly made afraid. It seems to be something we ought take note of. A serious yet ambiguous warning. Perhaps, given the context of the situation, the mans lameness was a result of some sin in his life - only Jesus knew. So the man is warned not return to that…whatever that was. There might be an important take away from this passage: when we are made whole from a sinful life, we must be even more watchful against it returning. Some of us would be well served to remember far worse may come from a relapse, once delivered from it, then from the sin itself.
For those of us delivered from stark, habitual sin, we must be even more vigilant against relapse.
Oh this is so important. May His light indwell in our innermost darkest places. May both our intentions and our actions be examined, and be made pure. No, we cannot even skirt near former sin, as it is too dangerous for our human abilities.
But moving on, we have Jude, the brother of Jesus. Save others by snatching them from the fire; have mercy on others but with fear, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh… Jude 1:24. Again it seems we are to have some fear, along with compassion, of being defiled. We are instructed to avoid the most remote contact with sin, hating even that which borders on it. Of course we are not called to avoid people in sin; but the sin itself. Yes, love the sinner, hate the sin.
God hates sin, and so should we.
Sin is contrary to Gods entire character, His holy being. So for some of us that means avoiding any contact, even the fringes, of a particular offense which we have formerly struggled with and been delivered from. This is no easy discipline my friends. Staying set apart takes constant vigilance. It takes resolve. And it takes Jesus. It means avoiding slippery slopes that might invite temptation. Staying set apart is staying on the other side of sin entirely.
Why is this so important? Because we who have surrendered to Christ are forgiven, broken, sinners. Even if you haven't been pulled from some epic pit, like 38 years of being paralyzed and laying helpless at a pool, you have been delivered and redeemed by a God who nailed his Son, himself, to a cross to release you from the captivity of all your sins. Every one of them. The challenge now is what we do with that.
Over the last few months, God has brought some women my way asking for help with sin and confession. Things I could relate to. At the same time, God has been dealing with me with my own increasing struggles with temptation. I find it no coincidence that over the last year, our financial comfort grew and apparently so did my self confidence and self reliance. Clearly God brought these women struggling with sin straight to me, to remind me of my own. I am made to remember I too am weak, and in need of Gods total unbounded, unmerited, grace. To remind me of my helpless dependence on God, not my self. To remind me to not even tiptoe near even the fringes of it. Has God reminded you of something like this?
This brings me to my current reading in 2 Samuel 11-12. Some of the most difficult reading of the Bible for me personally. You know the story, King David and Bathsheba. Here we have King David, a man after Gods own heart; noble and humble, who genuinely loved and trusted God. Shepherd boy turned valiant warrior, Goliath slayer, strong leader, poised King, used by God in tremendous ways. Then comes a major backslide in chapter 11. We have lust, adultery, deceit, denial, dishonor, and murder. Without recapping the tragic scene, let’s just agree David messed up big time. But the important lesson comes after the sin…in chapter 12. So the Lord sent Nathan to David. Nathan tells David a parable and God uses this servant to break Davids heart wide open, making him fully aware of and full of sorrow over what he had done. Not necessarily sorrowful toward Bathsheba. Or her husband Uriah. Or the people he led. But fully conscience and broken hearted over his sin against God.
“I have sinned against the Lord.” 2 Samuel 12:13...hata al-Yahweh.
hata al-Yahweh.
Hearing Nathans parable, David is eager to confess and repent, with his whole yet broken heart, even though his confession could cost him plenty. Let's not forget that Mosaic law at that time would sentence both an adulterer and murderer to death. David knew what his confession could cost. Oh but for Gods mercy and kindness! God did not withhold forgiveness but also did not hold back the consequences. Soon after this rock bottom, David takes Bathsheba as his wife so as not to dishonor her further, and serves a reminder that we cannot undo what we have done, we can only do the next right thing forward. Repent, and go forward, whatever God may bring.
This season in Davids life is where he pens Psalm 51. You might recognize this well known slice of it…God create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me, Psalm 51:10. The entire Psalm though, when read in the context of David having just sinned with Bathsheba, shows us how wholly grieved David is. He is utterly filled with sorrow over his actions. He is not mourning the consequences, but fully confessing how much he has grieved God. Then comes this profound statement, the focus for today...
For I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is ever before me. Psalm 51:3
As I reflect on Davids entire life, I cannot help but wonder if he never fully recovers from this moment of sin with Bathsheba. It seemed he never got all the way over how much sorrow he brought to God. He appeared weighed down with a contrite, humble, heavy heart the rest of his days, as evident in more scripture later on.
There were also tangible consequences David experienced as well. Consequences sometimes necessary to uphold the Lord's reputation, as well as teach future generations that sin has consequences. His family suffers, his baby dies, his children devise wicked plans against him. All consequences, not punishments, he readily accepted knowing they were nothing compared to losing rightstanding with God.
But the sweetest element of Davids story is that even if he did carry this pain with him, he never missed an opportunity to praise the Lord. Even while wearing a burdened, shattered heart, he worshipped with a grateful, whole, joyful heart. King David was nothing if not a worshipper.
Some decades after his adultery, David also wrote Psalm 139, offering another glimpse of his heart. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24. It is evident here David is yielding his heart to God, because he knew the truth: God knows us better than we know ourselves. David did not fully understand his own heart and trusted God to examine it...because the Lord is the only one who can cleanse the impurities that lurk there.
What we might see is how King David gracefully straddles a thick tension between rejoicing in a beautiful, deep gratitude over his forgiven sins, while also remaining deeply horrified by those same forgiven sins. There is room here for deep angst, and also joy. I imagine both melancholy in his stare, and awe. I can't help but see a similar tension as I read 2 Samuel 12, where we see both the loving kindness AND severity of God. Even as David went on to accomplish all God had for him to do, God left a humbled, wrecked heart in him. While continuing to rescue David from many enemies, and securing eternal life for this sinner, God apparently let David feel deep regret for some time. Even with steady resolve in the unwavering goodness of God, his sin was indeed ever before him, all the way home to Heaven.
Humbly, I find myself relating to every bit of this story.
Are you grieved over some past thing while also simultaneously rejoicing in the grace God has lavished you with? Do you experience regretting and praising at the same time? Yes of course God offers redemption and freedom; we are no longer slaves to sin, victorious in Him. We are new creations and our identity is secured under the righteousness of Jesus. But if I am honest with where I am today, some things seem better left broken. Maybe even this very heart that God renews in me, day by day. Not broken in hopeless despair, but broken with hopeful joy.
Perhaps our sin will ever be before us so we can maintain a holy fear of relapse, or be reminded of the immeasurable forgiveness we have received. Maybe our sin is ever before us so we can steer clear of the fringes of the temptation. Maybe we never stop grieving it, to stay humble and not become overly confident in ourselves. Maybe some of us are meant to praise Him from the valleys even louder than from the mountaintops.
While He may choose not to remember our sin, He lets us remember how filthy we were, to grieve it, so we can be best prepared to receive the honor of a sealed pardon.
Maybe we are to remember our offenses so that we remember His faithfulness.
"My sin is ever before me" is not a case for self centered self pity, but greater a use as momentum to stay actively aligned with the God who designed us. It may be more about learning to regret well.
God left him to test him and discover what was in his heart. 2 Chronicles 32:31
It is a tender gift to learn that our brokenness can propel us into a deeper reverence for how deep and wide Gods love is for us. Not for us to sit in self focused loathing outside of God, but to be moved into right relationship with Him. Like King David, we may remain broken for holy ends. And even more powerful, it can drive us into deeper worship and gratitude. We must have a broken heart to properly mourn but a whole heart to sincerely praise the Lord.
Finally, our brokenness and heavy heart can posture us in perfect view of who God is and cause us to fall deeply in love with Him. We cannot truly know Gods position in our lives until we acknowledge our own: at His feet, at His mercy.
The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. You will not despise a broken and humbled heart, God. Psalm 51: 17
Wrapping up, my precious friend Courtney recently asked me to walk with her on a two week journey to pray Psalm 51 daily, and ask God to reveal any hidden sin in us. We just came to the end of it and hefty things uncovered. The challenge was prompted by the devotional in our She Reads Truth bibles about Psalm 51, by Amanda Bible Williams. She beautifully sums it all up in one weighty line: “Understanding the vastness of my sin means understanding the vastness of Jesus’ love and sacrifice for me.”
Yes God, that.
So what are we to do now? If we take Davids heart in Psalm 51 as a model, we have a clear path forward of right steps:
We must first turn to God…
Then pray for cleansing…Psalm 51:2, 7, 10
Next, confess the weight of our sin…Psalm 51:4
Once we confess, we must repent…Psalm 51:6
Then, we pray for a renewed and willing spirit…Psalm 51:10, 12
Finally, pray for a restored joy, a gratitude for our salvation…Psalm 51:8, 12, 14, 15
May this leave you reflecting on the sin that may be lurking in your own heart. May you never take lightly what is revealed nor the expanse of the sacrifice God has made on your behalf so that you can rest in Him, forever. May you fully surrender your heart, dirty and splintered, to the only one who can cleanse it.
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