loneliness: the gift he saw it fit.

If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

- Jodi Picot

This post is long overdue. Every time I try to write about it I get all emotional and can’t quite grip the words in my hands. Tears well up and hang in my eyes for no obvious reason. Not to mention the rabbit trails can quickly multiply. So it’s time to tackle this beast. And I already know many of you who will relate. Maybe we can help each other.

A few months ago, I was introduced to a book called “The Voice of the Heart” by Chip Dodd, and it released in me a flood, a deluge really, of things I did not yet know about myself. Just when I thought I had examined my head, my life, and my heart enough to finally have some understanding, here comes along yet another undoing. The book is about the gifts God has given each of us with our ‘feelings’. It explains that our core feelings are either gifts to be used in a healthy way, or become toxic manifestations in our lives when impaired. We are given insight as to where these feelings have been corrupted, or misused, and why they bleed out in destructive ways. More importantly Dr. Dodd gives us hope in how to handle our feelings well and live the life God has for us fully, authentically.

And as Christ followers we should always be about stewarding well what we are given, feelings not excluded.

While reading this book one thing came clear: loneliness is not only a core feeling given to me by God, but one that has permeated much of my entire life in a very damaging way. It has spilled into and directed my actions, polluted Holy things, and caused me so much grief my heart could not hold it all. Of the 8 core feelings, loneliness is for sure the weakening of my achilles heel. The thorn in my side. It is the feeling I have most avoided, dismissed and also weaponized.

I had never identified that before. Never given much of my pain a proper name.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

- Mother Teresa

In a modern world where technology has replaced human interaction and a pandemic has left us even more isolated, it is no surprise that loneliness is a struggle for many. Even as I am now aware it’s something I felt early on, as a child, it was never processed out of me. It is a condition plaguing me and many of you. Maybe some of you have been thrust into a loneliness you didn’t ask for, or struggle with, or maybe you simply long for a deep connection with others. Or maybe for you, the world is just a lonely place. A simple Google search nowadays will net an abundance of articles and research that point to loneliness as being an epidemic causing damage to not only our mental health, but physical health as well. Just yesterday I saw an article that said loneliness is now considered as dangerous to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That's pretty alarming.

Before we go on, let’s preface the root of loneliness being a lack of intimacy; not feeling connected with others, God, or ourselves. Intimacy being a closeness, attachment, and being fully known.

Loneliness captures so much of my own hearts history. It was also an impaired feeling for my mom I now realize, and rendered her unable to properly fill my needs, which unintentionally planted many damaged seeds in me. If I knew a year ago what I know now, perhaps I could have talked with her about it before her death and we could have experienced an intimacy we craved with each other, but never understood.

I can also see how those seeds were diseased in so many of my far reaching roots. A deep, intense, longing for intimacy; being known, understood, connected, loved. As a child, these longings were often unsatisfied and I learned how to either seek wrong attention or withdraw from the world altogether. The desires of intimacy were either dismissed or invalidated. As a young adult, these fundamental needs were misused or silenced. As a married adult, these longings were weaponized or impaired. And today, now as a Christ follower, these longings can often make me feel homesick in this world.

For us introverts, it’s no secret we can feel alone in a crowded room. It’s a real thing. But this loneliness, these longings, come from a different place. It’s not about needing some quiet time after too much stimulation or needing to decompress after too much conversation. It’s so much more. These are longings that come from God…longings to connect with others, be in relationship with Him and his creation, be known by others and know ourselves. We all have these built in intrinsic desires. The way we run off the road or not is how well we steer these desires. How we honor God with them.

If we’re being real, we might identify times we have experienced these longings and not handled them so well. Perhaps we sought attention from the wrong people, or tried to find companionship with alcohol or food or some other unhealthy habit we could sink into, in an effort to quiet our hearts. Or maybe we denied having these longings at all and eventually became apathetic. Yep, apathy, what a killer of the soul that one is.

If someone asked me years ago what was the biggest obstacle in my marriage, what led to nearly disastrous sin, I wouldn’t have been able to put my finger on just one thing. Now, with this new awareness, it is crystal clear - apathy. And at the root of apathy, is loneliness. For the first time I can see exactly where I ran off the road.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe we didn’t even recognize it was intimacy we were desiring at all and we became someone we never intended to be, never created to be, because we were not fully acknowledging our hearts.

And praise God for saving me and my marriage.

Praise God for creating in us this desire, and then being the only one to perfectly satisfy it.

COVID has not helped us navigate intimacy with others well. It has hindered relationships of all kinds. But even more that that, technology has crippled human interaction and actually encourages aloneness, separateness. While it appears on the surface to be a connecting tool, it is not. It is electronic, easily faked, 2D, cold, distant. It keeps our true selves hidden and we can easily slither into a person we were not created to be. There is no mystery to how we have arrived at such lonely times in the world.

The only way to truly experience healthy intimacy with others is through real, close contact. Close enough to be exposed. Vulnerable. And if you are realizing you too struggle with loneliness, know that it takes vulnerability and exposure to others to experience the gift of intimacy God intended for us. Of course being vulnerable is frightening and we risk being rejected, but it is necessary, and the payoff is immense. We want to hide of course...that started in the garden. But God calls us out to live honestly among each other and himself.

The gift of the feeling of loneliness is intimacy. That is what God wants us to experience.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make for him a helper fit for him.” Gen 2:18

The unhealthy manifestation of loneliness is apathy. That is not what God had in the design.

Like I said, the rabbit trails can be scattered all over on this. There is a lot of mental health research that addresses loneliness and all its complications. But for us lay folks, just consider how loneliness can paint a broader picture when we look at drug abuse, suicide, infidelity, pornography, alcoholism, depression and on and on. I am not here to pose as an expert in a topic that already has a lot of expertise. But clearly, it's an important thing to talk about.

What we can do is accept that God is, first of all, good. He created a perfect environment for us to be in relation with others. He intimately designed us, knitted us, knows our thoughts and hearts. He is with us in every circumstance and is never far away when we call. He wants us to let our hearts be exposed and our desires to be tuned in to. He never intended for us to live and do life alone.

As I land this plane I ponder what we can do with all this now. What best honors the intended positive feeling and how we can see it as a gift rather than a burden.

First we must accept that God built these feelings in us and they are for our good. There are 8 in all: hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and glad. They all come with a gift when sown well and allowed to reap the benefits.

According to Dodd, we must first feel the feeling of loneliness we experience. Then honestly identify the desires and needs we have for relationship and intimacy, and allow them to be expressed. Finally recognize our inability to control life and let God do what we cannot do as we experience these feelings. These simple steps have already helped me a great deal as I explain these feelings to my husband and honestly communicate with him. He can step in to those moments and help the gift of intimacy occur, wherein my heart is being honored and my life is being lived well.

But even if my husband is unable or unavailable to sit with me in these places, I know without a doubt that God is already there.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

-Psalm 145:18

We have a Heavenly Father who loves us and knows our desires and wants us to share our innermost selves with Him. In the book of Joshua, we are reminded that God is with us wherever we go. Joshua 1:9. Then, in the book of John, we are promised an intimate helper, the Holy Spirit. “If you love me, you will keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever. He is the Spirit of truth. The world is unable to receive him because it doesn’t see him or know him. But you do know him, because he remains with you and will be in you.” John 14:15-17

As we learn how to feel the feeling and speak truth from our hearts, we can rest easy friends. We don’t have to be hurt by loneliness. We can use it to grow closer to others, closer to God and live in a place of healthy hearts.