Someone recently got me thinking of what it means to be a godly woman. Unraveling some tangled up thought processes that apparently needed unwinding. Which made me want to crawl into a hole. Which then got me thinking.
There is still a murky shadow that follows me, everywhere it seems. It contains the worse of me, yet most of me. Who I once was, what I did, things that both defiled and defined me. Somewhere wedged between the past and the present, this persistent other self won’t leave. At times it is breathing down my neck. When I try to hide, it growls. When I try to face it, I often back down.
I am fully aware of who I was.
Today the sun is out and though it’s bitter cold outside, warm sunlight floods in through the window and illuminates every part of this room. Every corner. It reveals every floating speck of dust, and every hidden web. So profound isn't it, how light makes no mistakes when it cuts in. Not rude, but direct. Unbroken.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible. Ephesians 5:13
And as the light of our faith describes Gods nature, He has made no mistakes either. His perfect character exposes our messy sin. John 8:12 reminds us "I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life." So comforting are His words...but yet the darkness follows.
I remember things the way they once were. It’s haunting. There was such an absence of light in my life back then. Evil enslaving, suffocating, choking out the light. Running with no where to go…slipping with no safe space to land. What seemed right was so deeply wrong, and what seemed essential was so fleeting. I ran and ran and ran. Running straight for the pit I now see.
The Lord’s lamp sheds light on a persons life, searching the innermost parts. Proverbs 20:27
Maybe we all have some unruly part of us that defies proper definition. A part of us that cries out for more and is never satisfied. Rendering us unable to live fully present, while the other part is still screaming for validation. Why does it seem like the darkness is always just two steps away? Why do I often feel on the brink of going backwards? Regressing and repenting always at odds. One dragging back, one springing forward.
Remember Lots wife. I do. God instructed Lot to take his family and flee the wicked, sin filled city of Sodom. She was running with Lot, fleeing sin, when she turned and looked over her shoulder. She just couldn't take her eyes off what was, the old life she was leaving. Instead of running into a tree while not looking where she was going, much worse, she was instantly struck dead, turned into a pillar of salt. Gone. She had not parted with her old life in her divided heart, and God would not tolerate it. And that terrifies me.
So while some of us whom have an ugly past can often be tempted to look back- we must guard our hearts. Position them toward God, not the life we once knew. Align our hearts with the light, where our identity now lives. Keep our eyes fixed on where we are heading, not reminiscing where we were delivered from. It is truly strange how even the most regretful past can feel nostalgic. Maybe it’s what we think we deserve? Maybe it’s how we see our worth? Of course we don’t want to go back…but we keep looking. Like Lots wife. Regardless of why, it just lingers and haunts and beckons. Diminishing the confidence we should have in the life God has for us.
What I know in this moment is that I am not who I once was. I know this because I recall how Jesus stooped down and started writing in the dust with his finger. Am I a godly woman? No. But I am a woman loved by a all knowing God. I know with certainty that no matter how we see our old selves, our new selves are clothed in righteousness and mercy. And nothing we have done is hidden from God. He knows us through and through. And loves us anyway.
I am learning to stay focused on truth. Learning to stay rooted in the light. Sunlight chasing out impurities in my house the same way a Holy light will cast out impurities in my heart. I am not good by default and do no good on my own. Yet by the grace of God, I am here, redeemed from a broken past; wrestling day by day to abide in His goodness.
Yes, anything good you see in me is because of Jesus Christ.
But let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation. 1 Thessalonians 5:8
So friends, stay in the light. Let it flood your heart and clear out the lies that whisper about who you were. Even if you are not a godly woman, you are a woman loved by God.
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