Wishing I had something more upbeat to write about, I am instead coming in brokenness. This whole week I’ve been literally plagued with unrighteous feelings and thoughts. It has been a rough one. Feeling alone, apart from God, under enemy attack, tempted, deep sorrow. I am here trying to make sense of it all and hopefully in the process of processing, might encourage you. Maybe we can find our way back together.
Friends have often described to me thier “dry” seasons. Seasons when they struggled to open their bibles or commune with God. Strained intimacy. When you just don't crave the Lord or believe His promises and you can’t bring your faith into focus. I’m aware these seasons can happen to us all, and we should be prepared; but I still never saw it coming.
What's more perplexing is that there have been some recent highs; glorious moments of peace and comfort; clear paths forward in the midst of losing my mom. God has been so evident in the situation, placing me on mountain tops where His voice ushered in with the rising sun and hope came with the breathtaking views. Oh…the mountain tops. The air is so clear. The peak so high.
But woe to us when we get too comfortable up there. When we get too confident. Or become too prone to prefer the mountain top over the valleys. Because there I was, standing strong, and suddenly without warning pushed off the cliff plunging into a dark ravine. It can happen so fast. Ironically, while we can celebrate on the mountain top, we must first start in the valley where we actually suit up for the climb. The humble reality is maybe I was not suited up well enough to keep my footing up there.
So the last few days I have not really prayed much; not known what to pray. Nothing to say, nothing to feel. Nothing to think about except how to escape it all. Dismissing all the things I know to be true and entertaining lies I thought I had long ago stomped out. We are so quick to backslide aren’t we?
Judas and Peter come to mind. Specifically the differences in the way the two disciples handled betraying Jesus. Judas saw his sin but felt incurable, unworthy of redemption. He decided he failed in his own standing and then hanged himself. Humbled but utterly hopeless. Peter on the other hand was deeply grieved and mourned his sin, but made a choice to receive the abundant, flowing, grace of God. Humbled then lifted. He ran with his whole heart back to the tomb when he heard Jesus had rose again. And he and Jesus were soon after reconciled. Worth noting also is that just before Peter denied Him, Jesus warned- “Simon, Simon, look out, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31
A few days into this funk, while spending some time on the mat with the Lord, (wrestling is real y’all) I suddenly identified heavy buckets of deep regret in my gut. Whoa. The one thing I always boast to never have. I mean I strive to live a life with no more regret. But here it was. Regret for all the things I said, and those I didn’t say to my mom. All the discarded opportunities to represent Jesus. All the ways I spoke badly of her, treated her unkind, held her brokenness against her. And this regret my friends, these accusations, are straight from the enemy.
Oh the weight of it all. I am so in need of Christ rising up in me.
Regret flooded in leaving me to feel unworthy of Gods love. Unworthy to carry His name. And it broke my heart to know that I broke His. All the times I could have said something different, could have reflected a light toward the Lord, but shot flaming arrows instead. All the moments when my “placing healthy boundaries” were more my selfish attempt to maintain control and less about what she really needed from me in that space. Deep sorrow became mine. Despairing shame for treating my own mother poorly and dishonoring my Heavenly Father. Have you ever felt that sorry about something?
So regret is where we land.
There are plenty of other regrets in my life I could wallow in. But why did this feel so different? Why had it thrown me off the mountain top? Maybe because I can never make it right. I missed the opportunity to reconcile. The chance for mending our relationship has passed. My mom is gone, and I have to live with all the words that were said. And not said. If you have lost loved ones, you too have felt this realization. That finality of death.
No more chances to love, heal, or apologize. No way to restore what was damaged. No opportunity to do things differently. It just is, and then was.
The biggest regrets come from the things we cannot redo.
The unhealthy slope of regret then gives way to doubt, and then shame. And we should avoid that rabbit trail at all cost. So now we are left with what to do with these feelings. Let’s start with truth: Jesus has already atoned for us. Our debt has been paid, cancelled out. "It is finished" He said. His dying once was enough. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly. -Galatians 2:12. Even though we can no longer make things right with our loved ones, Jesus already did.
Then comes doubt…how could we receive that forgiveness? How can we even ask for that? How can we know it is for us? Are we really forgiven? Have we really received grace? Are we worthy of the gift? Remember Satan in the garden asking Eve, “Did God really say…”? When doubt creeps in, the concept of grace can escape us. It feels void. Out of reach.
Let’s go to Pauls letter to the Ephesians, chapter 2, verses 8 and 9, and be reminded: for you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift - not from works, so that no one can boast. Yes friends, we are saved by grace through faith; not in what we do or don’t do. Or have or have not done. And certainly not by wether or not we deserve it. There are no qualifiers listed other than our faith: to believe.
This bears repeating: we only need believe, then receive. Let that be the self-talk we give ourselves today.
And for the doubting Thomas’s reading, Matthew addresses our doubt in a different way: When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” -Matt 19:25-26.
Second self-talk track: …with God.
In the gospel of Luke there is another example of boundless love and forgiveness God has for us. Think of the woman who was filled with sorrow over her sin, using her hair, precious perfumed oil, and her own tears to wash Jesus’s feet. Jesus defended her to the Pharisee who thought she was too much a sinner to be there. Then Jesus illustrates with an analogy of a creditor who forgave the debtors who could not pay their bills…and how the debtor with the biggest bill would love the creditor even more. Then Jesus tells the sinful woman, “Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” Luke 7:50. Incredible, staggering, unwavering g r a c e.
The bible is chock full of lessons and instructions on salvation, grace and forgiveness. My husband and I have countless conversations with other couples as they walk through forgiveness. I have received unimaginable, supernatural, forgiveness from my husband. I have forgiven others. Yet here I am feeling unworthy of being forgiven by God. I know many of you who struggle with forgiveness and with that I have a new understanding of your burden. So let's ask, what is God teaching in this moment?
The first obvious lesson is to live with as little regret as possible. Say what we can to love others well. Seize opportunities to do the right thing. Regret, that backward look, discounts what God is currently doing in our lives. We can be blinded to the goodness of the present if we are stalled over the past. From now on is what matters most.
But the second lesson I sense is about reconciliation. What is before me is that I lost the opportunity to make amends with my mom, but instead in my brokenness I am able to be reconciled to God…through the blood of Christ. There is simply no other way, no other thing, needed. Reconciliation with loved ones who have passed is not possible, or needed; but reconciliation to God is waiting, and essential.
Here is where truth must shine through: We are forgiven. We have received great mercy whether we think we deserve it or not. Jesus went up on the cross so that we did not have to. We have received the gift of His grace…otherwise it ceases to be grace. But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace. -Romans 11:6.
We need not dwell on regret, only confess and then accept the gift. To reject it is saying Christ on the cross was not enough. And we know He is enough. We are worth Jesus to God. When we fall short, when we grieve God with our actions and words, when we don’t say what we should have and instead say what we shouldn’t, when we do not love as we could, when we mess up, when we miss an opportunity…Christ is still enough. Every time. He is always the right answer. When lies are whispering to you that you are unworthy, let Truth bring you home. Be Peter, grieve in humility, then quickly run back to Him.
What now? Seek opportunities to do or say the next right thing while you can. We are not promised the next moment, and are well served to consider the fleeting threads of life that eventually unravel from our frayed edges and fall away. Toss away bitter grudges and reconcile now. Apologize today. Forgive quickly. Speak lovingly every chance you get. Have nothing to regret every time your loved ones leave the house. Reflect Christ in every opportunity. This is how we suit up in the valley. The climb is too heavy if we are carrying with us buckets of regret.
And even when we fail, God’s grace covers it all.
My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ,
the one who is truly righteous. - 1 John 2:1
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