These pages have been empty for some time but today pounding to get out. This is for any of you who find yourselves in a spiritual crisis, a drought of sorts. Also for any of you who like me, while in a drought tend to beat yourself into bloody heap and find grace hard to swallow.
For months, I’ve been stumbling through a terrible spiritual thirst. A dry valley where it seemed nothing was growing or getting nourished. Where hearing from God grew faint, and prayer has been difficult.
I wish I could say it has fully ended…but it has not, as of today. This is why I write: I am looking for clarity. For Jesus. For Living Water. Looking for a clear road out of this place and back to Calvary. I need to undo taking a wrong turn.
Thinking back, it was 15 years ago that I first accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. A holy, supernatural moment I recall clearly and 100% certain it happened. From that moment, I set out for the Lord, ‘on fire’. Instantly bolting from a sinful lifestyle, I repented, surrendered and put away most of who I had been pretending to be for many years. Without glancing in the rear view mirror - I pretty much sprinted from the church that day running as fast as I could toward Jesus, terrified to look back. I know who Lots wife was, and no pile of salt would I become.
The swiftness of my salvation story has never been particularly important for me to consider until recently. Because now, 15 years into my spiritual walk, somewhat whole and steady, it suddenly startled me the breadth and depth of all I left in the church trashcan that day. All these years later, I’ve begun to look back. Tempted even, to turn back toward what I ought not. In the mind of C.S. Lewis, I might have a red lizard on my shoulder. And it is this looking backwards that has confused my heart toward God...exposing shallow roots and weaknesses I wasn't aware of.
Questions are perplexing me. Did some things in my life need a different ending? Did I hastily forfeit things without fully understanding what that would mean? Did I leave things behind with an irrational fear that God would turn me to salt if I dare look at them again? Whatever is happening, I’ve somehow tethered myself to my past and been sabotaged by my own distorted feelings, and ultimately begun questioning my salvation.
In full transparency, these thoughts shame me. I believed that once repented from, these sins were Dead. To. Me. Never thought Satan could catch me if I ran fast enough in the direction of the Lord. Apparently, the devil has caught up and hissing whispers on my neck loud enough to mute the loving truths my Father has written on my heart. Oh how the destructive cycle of Satans tactics can cause us to re-condemn ourselves over and over and over.
So in this particular struggle, many lessons are surfacing.
First, my emotions have deceived me and become way too powerful in my heart. You and I have hearts that are deceptively inaccurate most of the time when left to decipher ourselves. The prophet Jeremiah records this for us in Jeremiah 17:9. So listening to my own heart might be the first wrong step. Perhaps I need to learn more of Gods heart.
When we try to understand our own hearts, we are unequipped to navigate those waters without the Holy Spirit interpreting for us. And when Jeremiah then writes God's own words in Jeremiah 31:33, "I will put my teaching within them and write it on their hearts" I have to ask myself - if I have the Holy Spirit in me, why is my heart still constantly deceiving me and getting me into trouble?
Regardless of any heart failure, past evils crowded my thoughts which led to temptations which invited more propaganda from the enemy and caused me to re-condemn myself…and then doubt my very salvation. My undevout yet influential Catholic upbringing has reared its ugly head.
I thought I knew what I needed to know but now my head thoughts are crisscrossing over my heart thoughts and tangling up the truth. I know the very gospel I have now all of a sudden misplaced and forgotten where I left it. Am I a hypocrite? Was I ever really saved at all? Did I leave a door unlocked somewhere that allowed evil to come in? Was I too confident in myself? I am so thirsty y'all. Thirsty for all the things I should know but seem to have lost.
For you have forgotten the god of your salvation, and you have failed to remember the rock of your strength; Isaiah 17:10
Another thing I've learned is to not be questioning Gods redemption of me; but instead question the lies and feelings I’ve been influenced by. I need to hold them up to the Word and test what’s true. Remember all God has done in my life, all He has written in my heart. Remember all He has accomplished in His people and the promises kept and still to come.
Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you. I will praise your name, for you have accomplished wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. Isaiah 25:1
I must also rejoice in the Lords heart and His character. Direct my feelings, not let them direct me. God can be trusted - my flesh can not.
You will keep the mind that is dependent on your in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. Isaiah 26:3
Back to the drought. In my flesh, red flags pop up when I flirt with my own unholiness and allow it to take hold in my mind; letting dirt crowd out where God wants to be. There must have been a misstep that led to this season of struggle. A thought allowed to linger too long. A lie believed. Are you in a similar place? If so, we might not be able to undo that moment but we can acknowledge our failure, then quickly turn back. Trust God is there waiting for us.
Return, unfaithful Israel. This is the Lord’s declaration. I will not look on you with anger, for I am unfailing in my love. Jeremiah 3:12
Seemingly off topic, several weeks ago, my husband and I were paddle boarding at Cherokee Lake. It was a quiet area, no boats in sight, calm waters. My phone in a waterproof sleeve around my neck.
Without any obvious cause or warning, I got tossed off the board and found myself in an actual fight to get back on. I simply cannot explain how water was crashing all over me. My water shoes came off, my leash came loose, my lanyard broke, and my phone disappeared. It was surreal and felt strangely violent and most out of place. Finally, I got on and was absolutely worn out and beaten down. Ironic that I have been in such a spiritual drought yet there was no lack of pounding water this day. Who says God has no sense of humor.
We searched for hours. I didn’t really care much about the phone itself, but was deeply saddened at losing the last text messages from my mom before she passed away last year. In the upsetting circumstances after her death, these messages are a some of the last precious things I have of her. I prayed the phone would miraculously surface.
Sadly, it did not. We stopped at the store on the way home and got a replacement. The salesman asked what happened and I chuckled that I got in a fight with my paddle board and lost. He told me text messages may appear on the new phone but only if the old phone was backed up in the cloud. Backed up? Ugh, I had no idea about any of that. I had never backed up my phone. Humbled and exhausted, I accepted a beating this day.
Then, as if I wanted to hear it, my husband asked me on the drive home, “What is God teaching you?” I answered in defeat, “Not a single thing.”
That night I went to bed, the phone plugged in, my mind trying to remember the last words from my mom in her texts. I also replayed how bizarre the whole scene was, the ‘fight’. I mean, who was I fighting? It all felt senseless, but somehow incredibly important.
I woke up to a freshly charged and updated phone. To my surprise, everything was totally restored. It was all was there. Every message. Apparently our phones automatically back up every night and I had no idea.
Everything, fully restored.
Just like we are before Him.
After a good rejoicing I remembered the question: What is God teaching me? It came to me that while Satan has been, for months, wrestling me for every good truth I knew, God has never stopped working on my behalf. Whether I struggle in the water or in my thoughts, or trip over my own sinful desires, He alone fully restores us back to what we are in Him. No matter what an enemy or sin takes from us, God gives back to us in full measure. No matter how far we turn away, He receives us back into his arms again. What an amazing truth.
Now to our current reading plan in 2 Chronicles 32 and King Hezekiah of Judah. Judah had been restored and rescued while Hezekiah had ruled Judah totally faithful to the Lord. Hezekiah’s faith started strong, but then suddenly, along came false information and lies from enemies causing a lot of doubt and confusion. Hezekiah had a moment where he exhibited sinful pride in his material things, and in his own self reliance. So, while Hezekiah had been a Godly king and did the right thing most of his reign, he had a spiritual crisis of his own. Finally, near his death, God left him to test him and discover what was in his heart. 2 Chronicles 32:31.
Are we being left to test and discover what is in our hearts? Are we listening to our naturally rebellious hearts to satisfy our flesh or the regenerated heart that God wrote His teachings on? Because which heart we follow matters.
If we explore King Hezekiahs story to shine a light on this moment, a few lessons jump off the pages. God ultimately allowed Hezekiah's sin for holy results. The Lord showed that in that near the end of his life, Hezekiah might come to recognize what was really in his heart (pride). This was important because it revealed to Hezekiah that he was not as solid in grace as he thought he was, but rather had weaknesses and afflictions just like other men. God left him to himself (silence) to find pride in something (his worldly possessions) which muted his confidence in his standing with God (salvation). Well, this feels very familiar.
It is good for us to know our weaknesses and sin tendencies so that we not become confident in ourselves, but rather live in total dependence on divine grace. And while God may allow us to choose to sin, we always have a way to turn back to his loving arms. Unmerited, unconditional, abundant, loving grace awaits.
More lessons surfaced. A reminder that God alone saves us, through the blood of Jesus on the cross. Basic I know. But basic is apparently what I need today. We cannot save ourselves friends. Believe me, I have tried and you probably have too. No checkbox, practice or effort can do what Jesus did for us. I need not pray the rosary or count Hail Mary's or confess to a priest behind a curtain. Likewise, no slip, no sin, no thought, no enemy, no wave, no fight, no temptation, no material thing, nothing whatsoever can ever undo what Jesus did for us.
Though your sins are scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they are crimson red, they will be like wool. Isaiah 1:18
A few notes about spiritual droughts that offer great encouragement to us today. First, only Christians can experience them. If you are in a rip current of doubt or sin, and it grieves you, and you are struggling to get back on your board, then rest easy knowing you are saved. Someone never saved at all would not struggle with being lost from Jesus. The angst is proof we can feel, and that gives me tremendous peace.
Also, droughts are temporary. Our righteousness in Christ won’t let us to stay lost any longer than God allows. Even the one lost sheep is pursued and found. We are tethered to Jesus above all else…even when we may momentarily link arms with something else. This temporary condition speaks more to God’s faithfulness than our ability to pull ourselves out of a mess. Even when we are unfaithful to Him, He is faithful to us.
Most needed for me today is the precious truth we don’t lose our salvation by a thought, temptation or rebellion. Remember the prodigal son? Remember Israel? Remember King David? Remember Jacob? Time and time again, after turning away from God over and over, the saved are restored. Once His, always His. It is done. We are redeemed and promised restoration. Oh, let our hearts believe that.
One believes with the heart, resulting in righteousness, and one confesses with the mouth, resulting in salvation. Romans 10:10
Our story may be sin, weakness and stumble. But Gods story is redemption, grace and salvation.
Let's visit Galatians. Incredibly timely, we just finished a Galatians study at church. No doubt it was part of God’s teaching me in this season. The Apostle Paul is warning the believers of Galatia to not fall back into Old Law ways and keep their eyes on Jesus. The Old Covenant and Mosaic Law was for a time before Christ, the New Covenant for the time after Christ. Galatians warns of falling into old thinking and urges all to receive the free gift of redemptive grace through the crucifixion of Jesus.
Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by the Spirit, are you now finishing by the flesh? Did you experience so much for nothing - if it fact it was for nothing? Galatians 3:2-3.
Ouch.
For if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing. Galatians 2:21
Ouch again.
For someone like myself who struggles with control and perfectionism, checking Old Law boxes is a real tendency…I prefer to earn my own way in this life. Receiving a free gift does not come natural to this girl. I have no reference for unconditional love. I feel able to be in control following rules I can clearly identify. However that also leads to self condemnation with my inability to follow those rules perfectly. Accepting an invisible grace that I cannot outline with my eyes is so hard. Even Jacob goes back and forth with relying on God and relying on self.
But not accepting the free gift of grace by way of the cross is submitting ourselves to stand trial over and over, be subject to a sentence we cannot serve, and denying Jesus has already stood trial for us once and for all. We are free from the yoke of slavery under the Mosaic Law.
Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, Galatians 3:13
Why then was the law given? It was added for the sake of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise was made would come. Galatians 3:19
Jesus y’all.
Once restored after drifting away, we must be firmly grounded in truth and avoid becoming so self-confident that we believe we can earn our way to Heaven. It means fully relying on God to keep us afloat and believing Christs' death paid our debt.
Once saved, we are children of God and our standing is righteous. For His Sons sake. That’s right, God shows us mercy and forgiveness not because of us but for Jesus’s sake and has little to do with us, what we have done, or what we can do. The Son went to the cross for His father, not because we deserved it. Jesus submitted himself so that God's promises could be kept. Because God loves not only us, but his Son that much. Because the Son is Him and there is a Holy Reputation to uphold.
“I - I sweep away your transgressions for my own sake and remember your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25
The last, most valuable message pressing on me is God saying, “Stop fighting ME!” Let's go back to Jacob, Esau's brother. Jacob tried repeatedly in his own effort to take back the blessing he felt was his, the blessing God intended for him all along. When left alone one night, a desperate Jacob wrestled with God through the night until he finally submitted to God and admitted his struggle with self-reliance. (Genesis 32:24-29) God wanted Jacob to trust him and receive the blessing, but Jacob had resisted. I can imagine a tapping-out happening here. Jacob even walks away from that one with a limp. I have written in the margin of Genesis 35 in my bible a note that 'Jacob finally returned to his first love'...which for us is the memory of our conversion. I thought about that scribble for a moment and realized I had in fact been revisiting my conversion...even in the beginning of this post. Only recently, I've focused more on what I gave up that day...not what God did for me that day.
As I have been trying so hard to figure things out myself, battling temptations on my own, thinking I need to 'do better' or fretting I have messed up too much, I too have been relying on my own self to point the way…which all point to fighting God. Fighting against what He has already promised and what was sacrificed on the cross. Fighting who God actually is. Resisting his grace, his goodness, his love.
While I thought all along I was fighting the enemy, the water, the board, my thoughts and my past, what I see now is that I have been fighting the very God who has already redeemed me from all that.
So you see friends, there is no wiser choice than to accept the unconditional love he is trying to give us. Stop trying to resist it.
This post has been long, and still could go on and on. There is plenty of scripture addressing backsliding, spiritual slips, redemption, restoration, Gods promises and grace. It is also difficult to know exactly how to end because I’m still not confident in my own heart all I have written. Key point is to read what God has written in our hearts. While I am thankfully not where I once was in my pre-Christ life, I am humbly aware that I am not where I once was in my faith life. Bruised, I will have to re-learn how to trust Gods promises and accept grace again.
So let’s end with this: God is always working on our behalf. He has not left, changed the plan or abandoned us. No matter how far we fall or relapse, no matter what good efforts or awful sins we do, He is awaiting our return and we can always safely run into his open loving arms.
The God of old is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
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