Some years ago I attended a women's retreat. A beautiful, intensely peaceful Smoky Mountain getaway. But also heavy laden with broken women, each with her own story. A serene, safe place, yet so littered with our debris. But God met us there; and taught us so much. If you ever have an opportunity to attend one, I hope this encourages you to go!
The speaker who led our sessions was remarkable. Articulate. Intuitive. God was going to speak to me through her in a most unexpected way. Let me begin the whole thing by telling you it was painful. FAR more than I expected. She warned that the work we were about to do would be like digging out infected wounds. Infected they were.
You and I have a stories of our own. Written by God. One of a kind masterpieces. Scripture assures us of that. What I’ve learned so far is in order to move forward and live out our story, we need to have fully read, processed and closed the chapters behind us. Especially those things we think we’ve already dealt with and healed from. Trust me, they can linger, fester.
But as the woman spoke, I became overwhelmed with feelings. She was prompting us to look way back, age birth through ten, at events that stood out…the bad ones especially. Ugh. We were going to examine the messages about ourselves that we attached to them. In many cases, the lies. Because with every experience and interaction, we do attach a message, either positive or negative. What had an experience really said to us? Was it true or false? (according to Gods word) And more important, have we continued to believe it?
I started to sift through the stand out events before age ten. I will not list them all here. It is enough to say there was sexual, emotional and physical abuse. There was instability and trauma. Maybe like you, I grew up far too soon. But these painful memories came FLOODING back…like a toxic flush of adrenaline. All of the events I thought I was long healed from, had really been lying dormant waiting for me to give them a proper death and burial. I knew it was time to do just that.
Time does not heal all wounds.
That too is a lie.
Sometimes recalling things can continue to harm when they have not been properly grieved. Just like scars on our skin, they should be painless once healed. But I was surprised at the emotions swirling in me that day. Caught off guard. Like the open sores Job was afflicted with by Satan, causing him to have the deepest sorrow he could bear, so much so that he used broken pieces of pottery to dig at his wounds. Have you ever had a sore so intense you wanted to cut it out? I sure have.
So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes. Job 2:7-9
Next, the speaker led us through a process of recalling the events at the beginning of our story, acknowledging the lies we’ve believed, and then replacing them with God’s truth. Because our past circumstances and experiences do not determine who we are. They are only conditions, often out of our control, and have been used to deceive us for years. My wheels were turning. All the events I had listed were indeed, out of my hands. Though not excuses I can use to justify any of my own actions later on.
We then had the privilege of hearing other women share their stories aloud. Painful, heartbreaking stories. Many far more traumatic than mine. Living testimonies to Gods grace and mercy and unfailing provision. They are survivors. They did not share circumstances forced upon them to justify their behaviors, and instead illustrated loosening the power those circumstances now have on them.
We are survivors of our childhoods.
As I began to identify messages I had from some stand out moments, I saw lies I had believed…and it filled me with such unexpected despair I could have literally wailed for hours. I couldn’t contain it. I cried hard until I finished.
Lies became crystal clear on the surface: I had felt unwanted. I had felt unprotected. I had felt abandoned. I remembered feeling like a nuisance for my parents, and that I disrupted their lives and their marriage. I remember feeling it was always my fault. I remember feeling unsafe. I wondered why no one was fighting for me. I remember feeling discarded after being molested. I remember feeling alone, unable to really belong anywhere. And I was shocked to discover these feelings still resided in me. I had just never named them. I had renamed them and given them power over me: “gluttony”, “envy”, “insecurity” and “control” and many others. They were feelings, and feelings can lie. And these lies eventually became sins.
We must allow ourselves to completely mourn something we lose, and not just give it a cursory finish. In some cultures, women are allowed to fully mourn the loss of loved ones and wail, with their whole bodies, for hours or days, until there isn't a single tear drop left inside. It is acceptable and respected in those cultures. Here in America though we are encouraged to ‘suck it up’ and ‘get over it’ quickly, be strong, move on with our lives. Sometimes we call mourning self pity. This may be why so many unable to move through stages of grief instead remain stuck…wedged between anger and depression for so long.
Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,
are best relieved by the letting of a little water.
-Christopher Morley
What messages do you have from your childhood? What events stand out? What untruths have you believed about yourself as a result? Is it time to expose them? Here is some truth I can stand on: It doesn't matter if I felt my parents wanted me or not, God did. It doesn't matter if I felt I was protected or not, God was there and preserved my life for a time such as this. It doesn't matter if I felt unworthy of love, God created me from love. These are the keys that unlock shackles and can set-us-free.
This is not about blaming others. It is about our perception of a situation, the message we take from it, and our being able to discern junk from gold. While circumstances might be out of my hands, my perspective is mine to manage, and for that I take responsibility. It is about accepting the things out of our control, understanding the enemy can use them against us by feeding us garbage, and then deciding to ditch the lies and adopt the truth. And so as I unearthed these things, and realized how I had felt as a young girl, suddenly the dots were being connected to expose a very chaotic and deceiving belief system.
Even more, I saw sins of my adulthood being directly linked to those lies. They would be the manifestation of all the trash I believed about myself all those years before. Now it meant taking responsibility for them once and for all. Insecurities and controlling tendencies were results of feeling unprotected. Seeking attention promiscuously a result of needing to feel wanted. Overeating, drugs and alcohol use results of feeling lonely and trying to comfort myself. Cutting on myself a result wanting to drain pain that was never validated. Do you see how all these feelings can lead us into all sorts of trouble?
Not only did I learn I needed to mourn expectations that were never fulfilled, I had to grieve the sins they became. I was amazed at the connections I saw. I am not a victim; I am a miracle of a mighty Father. I am not unworthy; I am adopted by a King. Maybe you can connect some of these dots in your own life and find who you are to Him.
All along, where I needed to seek refuge was in a strong and mighty God who unconditionally loves and adores me.
The rest of the retreat was spent trying to process all this information. We excavated our pasts and said internal goodbyes. Memories were uncovered and then parted with. Let go. Things once broken became whole. Strongholds of deception came crashing down. Hallelujah!
I want to add that I know without a doubt my parents loved me and cared for me and protected me the best they could at that time. They were young and inexperienced. They too had believed lies from their own formative years. They had stories of their own.
So the point is this: God is the author of truth. He is the author of us. He is our biggest fan. And what can define us is our willingness to let God use the broken pieces of our past and create in us a masterpiece.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works,
and that my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:14
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