Several years ago I caught wind of the ‘art of tidying’ movement, “Spark Joy”, by Marie Kondo. Though I didn’t feel compelled to change the whole of my systems, she did inspire me to reorganize my sock drawer. For some reason that one thing was what spoke to me and sparked joy in my heart. The method utilizes drawer trays with small compartments, folding the socks in a particular way, each pair nestled in its own square. It enables me to see every pair I own…colors and patterns exposed, neatly. My sock drawer is still organized this way today, and I had no idea how God would use this simple method in my life. But that’s enough about socks for now.
I have been participating in a 12 step recovery program, Re:Generation, for the last 7 months. According to the programs measures, I have an assortment of many struggles…but don’t we all? Control, shame/guilt, co-dependency, none of which surprised me by the way. Want to learn more about your self? Take the quiz. God has used this study to flip me on my head from how far I thought I had come in my faith journey to really experiencing where He wants to take me. It has undoubtably been the most intense, profound, and brilliant study I have ever walked through. Every page intentional, leading gently but so purposely into the next. Every step guiding my heart toward truth.
Today, I am reflecting on Step 4, inventory. While I am literally recovering my my self, in an ironic sense, I am needing recovery from this step. This is where we venture out toward a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. If you have ever been through a 12 step recovery, then you know this is a pretty heavy step. But for those of you not familiar, maybe this post will prompt you to an inventory journey of your own.
There are plenty of references to a process of moral inventory mentioned in Gods word. We are, in several ways, instructed to survey, evaluate, and explore ourselves. If we claim Christ as our Savior, we ought examine ourselves according to His standards daily.
Paul gives a thorough instruction to the Christians in Corinth. Let a person examine himself; in this way let him eat the bread and drink from the cup. 1 Corinthians 11:28
Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith. Examine yourselves. Or do you yourselves not recognize that Jesus Christ is in you? 2 Corinthians 13:5
Again, Paul addressing the Romans reminds them to not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by seeing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
King David pleads with God to test him and try him; examine his heart and mind. Test me, Lord, and try me; examine my heart and mind. Psalm 26:2 and then David prays for restoration after his adultery with Bathsheba, Surely you desire integrity in the inner self, and you teach me wisdom deep within. Psalm 51:6
Jeremiah lamented and asked his fellow Israelites to examine and probe their ways, and turn back to the Lord. Let’s examine and probe our ways, and turn back to the Lord! Lamentations 3:40
So we forge ahead in step 4, this group of us, spending these weeks cataloging our lives…every wound, fear, regret, harm, and wrong that comes to mind. Then we winnow them out to identify the real feelings and actions we associated with each one. This is no Sears Christmas Catalogue y’all. It is an itemized charting, a muddy unearthing, of pain and ruin and wreckage and fallout, and our responses to these things. Next we recognize our responses, and what we valued in them. Also known as idols. Suddenly clear patterns emerge as if a connect the dots. Lights begin turning on and things lurking in the dark corners are full on exposed. This excavation is bringing a flood of realizations. Oooo….I fully realize where my brokenness came from and how I’ve reacted historically, even ways I have brandished it for harm. Situations, feelings and responses repeated over and over. How my idols have made a mess of things. Idols that have kept me from fully surrendering to the Lord of Lords. The Lord who lovingly created me, saved me from myself, paid my debt and made me new…and still has so much more for me.
This is the process God uses to help us see what our old selves were so that we can put them to death and step into the renewed self we now are, in Christ. Where we distinguish what has worked or has not worked, what damaged things need to be tossed out to make room for sanctification. It is the path toward breaking generational cycles of dysfunction and being truly set free. It is an incredibly painful yet liberating journey.
In evaluating the feelings and responses in my inventory, the same ones seemed to reappear throughout the storyline. Loneliness, rejection, feeling unsafe, unwanted, and lack of security, all played out over and over and over. Which then lead to idols of comfort and safety, approval and control. Unexpectedly, a wonderful book I read a while back, Voice of the Heart, has been a handy companion to this process. Voice of the Heart describes the core feelings God has given us and how to walk them out them in healthy ways. I have learned how those feelings can be either gifts from God or stumbling blocks that can harm. But it is once we get to this place of honest self examination, a humble holy reckoning, we can in Christ begin to be changed; change patterns, and break relentless damaging cycles. We can become truly free from strongholds (and idols) so sins and wounds can be dislodged from our human hearts.
Recently I was with a friend talking about these things. She told me something she learned a long time ago. The frontal lobe of our brains are where feelings and emotions are processed. It is also the last part of the brain to develop, well into our 20’s. As children, trauma and other experiences are not processed sensibly but rather ingested as some foreign object like a splinter in a finger. She told me a story a counselor had shared with her years before. He explained that feelings and experiences are like clothes (or socks) in a messy drawer when we are young…a cluttered mess bursting out of the drawer all mismatched and chaotic, so much so that a child can’t even close the drawer. Then later as adults, if we ‘process’ by putting these feelings and events into spoken words, they travel through the frontal lobe and start to make sense in our brains. Simple articulation can radically rationalize. The bursting drawermof chaos get cataloged properly. As if the socks are being matched up, folded and organized in a much tidier way. It is then when past events can be placed in proper perspective.
As we walk through this moral inventory work, we can actually see clearly a situation for what it really was, organize the chaos, and close the drawer. We can even open it and look inside if we want and not be daunted by it. I can now open and close my sock drawer without dread and see order. I bet Marie Kondo doesn’t even realize how tidying up the brains ruts could spark amazing joy in the heart. And my sock drawer has never looked so beautifully symbolic.
For anyone who has ever walked through a 12 step recovery program of any kind, you know this moral inventory is difficult but incredibly powerful. It is necessary to fearlessly and thoroughly complete it before moving into confession, then repentance. It may be the most tangible fruit bearing path to truly letting go of things that need laying down. Often as Christians we ask how do we really “let go” and surrender things? This my friends is one real way. Even things we thought we had previously let go of. The inventory step reveals what we’ve been clutching and wielding around, often unaware we’ve done so. It reveals blind spots. It is here is where we can step into freely submitting to God.
If you have never examined your self, perhaps it’s a good time. It could be a recovery study is where God is leading you. Maybe it’s quiet time with Him asking for an honest viewpoint of your own sock drawer. Or maybe you just need to clean a drawer and have some joy sparked in you. Whatever it looks like for you, He is good and faithful to show you what you need to see. If we are willing to ask Him, and willing to be tried and examined, you can find the way to freedom.
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