memories: Monte Carlo laughter.

Once when I was a young girl, I remember on one occasion being in a car with my mom and my uncle. We were in San Francisco. If you’ve ever been there, or seen the city in a movie, you know what the roads are like. Peaks and valleys are an understatement in describing them. The steep, tight, hilly roads make roller coasters a piece of cake. My uncle had a huge brown Monte Carlo. It was a tank y’all. As he drove up and down and up and down my tummy did somersaults and made me giggle uncontrollably. Made us all giggle uncontrollably. He couldn’t see the road before us over the hood, and every time we peaked we all rose up in our seats in unison to look over the top. What stands out in that memory was my moms laughter. It was exuberant. Uninhibited. Fearless. She had the giggles and it seemed as if the whole world should come to know her. She was always a strong presence everywhere she went, but in that very moment, her presence was a seamless, vulnerable, unstifled woman full of innocent joy.

Over the last few months I have nudged myself to recall more moments like this. As I am learning, they are priceless in my memory bank. And while the bank may be a bit lacking in memories of joy, still there are some. And in their silly, simplistic way, they are worth more than pure gold.

As a born again Christian, and in various forms of ministry, I often tell of the broken parts of the story God has written for me so to encourage others; relate to the struggle they are in. All to glorify God by describing how much of a wreck He has miraculously delivered me from. It is a beautiful, necessary, testimony that I am ever so thankful for…but it’s messy parts have also become so much of the story. And it can be difficult to repeatedly revisit. Today I am choosing to remember the pleasant things, not only the unpleasant. As if I’ve been seeing my life as a black and white movie reel and someone has just given me a full color copy. And it is glorious.

I recently thought it necessary to reexamine my bookshelves. So many books, old and new, from different seasons of my life and various purposes. They are all good books, yet I have gravitated toward certain ones as my ‘go to’ books. I even discovered dust on some of them as I looked the shelves over and that saddened me. A lonely, neglected book I thought. These dusty ones were too good books that could serve a purpose in some way, but I had ignored them too long. They had not been pulled from the shelf enough, not utilized well.

Sweet, happy memories of my life are like these dusty books: passed over and unsavored. There are likely some great little treasures in them if only I’d see them. If you’ve heard my testimony, you might think I have lived a terrible life - before Christ. You would know how much only God is to credit for any good thing residing in me. But what I must remind myself is that it was not ALL bad. There were good moments, happy times, fun and laughter. There were small moments of free spirited gladness that freckled my younger years…ones I’ve strangely rarely shared. Can you relate at all? Do you tend to focus more on the junk you’ve gone through and ignore the goodness you’ve experienced? Do you see the unlikable parts of other people more than their good? We might pause and reflect on that. Recall a happy moment, or some goodness, right now. Maybe an experience or person or memory that “sparks joy” as Marie Condo would say. Set it in your mind and then cherish it.

From 45 years ago, I can hear my mom laughing in that brown Monte Carlo like she is right here next to me. I can nearly feel her physically. While that makes me incredibly sad in some ways, it is so, so sweet for my soul. And I need to save any sweet moments between my mom and I in my memory bank. There are others; special times with my family like this. I look forward to remembering more of them from now on. Shelving for now, the memories that bring me pain and dusting off the ones that delight my heart with warm and fuzzy pictures. It isn’t denial or keeping hard times pressed down, believe me, I know the ickiness in my life. It’s rather choosing to see the good ones too. Choosing to recall joys. There is room, and a pinnacle need, for both in Gods story.

Yes we are to face, recognize, and sort out the painful memories we have experienced, but once processed shall be released. The joys however- the good memories - no matter how small or infrequent, should be savored and simmered to swell in our hearts. There they can remain active shimmering lights that keep us going when darkness comes.

If we look for biblical guidance here, we can find it. God says to Isaiah: “You have burdened me with your sins; you have wearied me with your iniquities. I - I sweep away your transgressions for my own sake and remember your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:24-25. This could be a way for God to say stop wearing everyone out with your sad stories of wickedness and woe. If God chooses to forget the wicked things we have done, and wants his people to look forward with hope and anticipation, then perhaps we need to also.

A few lines before that, God instructed Isaiah to tell the people of Israel they needed to look back and remember all the good God had done for them and forget the bad. If the Israelites continued to stay stuck in the evil of the past, it would keep them from moving forward on to what God had in store for them. He wanted them to recognize and celebrate the work He was doing in their lives right then and trust Him enough to leave the past behind. So if God is instructing them to remember the good, let go of the bad, then we too shall. Even God does not get paralyzed by our brokenness. He is ever moving forward with his plans because they are greater. God sees our good, and we must see all the good He gives us.

How much more honoring to God would it be for me to pull those dusty memories off the shelf and celebrate them? Because after all, it was Him and Him alone that gave me those moments. He was lavishing me in love and joy in a Monte Carlo as butterflies nosedived around my belly button. He allowed terrible things to happen yes, but through moments like these He also gives me sweet gifts to remember. So that I would know He has been with me all along.

The point here is not to dismiss or mute the difficult trials of our lives where we can point to God rescuing, redeeming and saving us. We cannot, in our humanness, forget evil we have done or evil done unto us. Gods power and infinite love for us can surely be displayed during deep sorrows and trials and sin. It does mean we must not forget the kindness we have experienced. Never let those memories get dusty. Bring them out and show them off; laugh out loud or simply hold them quietly, close to your heart. Remember them fondly. See Gods mercy and loving kindness in them. And as we share how much filth God has rescued us from, may we be quicker to share all the ways he has showered us with love and compassion and little joys.

As I close, I continue to have a tender nudging in my soul that God is sharing Himself with me in every one of these wonderful memories coming to the surface. It’s as if he is giving me these reels to protect me from the wave of nasty memories that are always readily available to me. As if softening my heart, with gentle redirection. A lavishing of love. I pray you might recapture some of these love lavishing memories today and let them nudge a gratefulness your heart cannot contain.