The last 48 hours have been racked with highs and lows. But it seemed important to get some words out at this moment: because He is due glory and praise right now.
How incredibly fortunate I am to have so many good people around me. I mean truly good people. People who love God and speak truth to me. Some of the people in my life are the salt of the earth, as if they are stewards and shepherds of my actual heart. No words are worthy of how much they mean to me and how much they fill me up and breath life into me. I hope you too have these people surrounding you.
Though while I have certainly heard some good words in the last few days, I needed to hear from Him. I mean, friends and family are one thing, God is another. You get what I mean. So into the Word we go.
Since my mom passed away last week, I have done a lot of wrestling. And now since my last blog post, I have learned some of you have wrestled too. Maybe with your own losses, or your own complicated relationships. And with that wrestling there is pain and anger and questions and deep, deep sorrow. All the things. But God welcomes these things. He is big enough to hear all our messiness. Even the ones directed at him. So don’t hold back- give Him all of you. He knows you anyway and you cannot hide those feelings, so scream it out my friends.
That’s what I did today and then it came. All of it. Like a wave crashing over me. I was able to find that light switch in a dark room. It came during a run, when a song somehow showed up in my ears. I had no idea how it got into my playlist. The song is at the end of this post. Oh the glory of it all.
When someone we love passes away, we may not have any answers at all. We may have regrets or questions. We might be tormented with “what if” thoughts or things we wished we could have said. We would want the ending to go our way and probably look different. We would want to have a last word, a last hug, a last wish fulfilled. We would want our loved one to pass peacefully and only at the moment we say it’s ok, on our time.
But God is God. Our sovereign Father. Abba. Our creator, author, and King. He is in charge, not us. So with that in mind, we don’t usually get death for loved ones in the way we want, but we always get the death of our loved ones in the exact way it was meant to happen.
If you read my previous post, grief: now there is just this, You would know that her ending was not at all what I had hoped it would be. It was unrecognizable to me. Unbelievable. Her ending looked nothing like what I wanted. Nothing like what I had prayed for. It left me with painful visions of a possibly unsaved soul being tormented in Hell. It left me wrecked with thoughts of her suffering in anguish, vulnerable, alone and afraid. It left me angry that God might withhold a better ending.
But one thing is so clear now: it is not, and never was, about me.
So here I am, shaking off those thoughts that are not by the way, from God at all. Satan saw an opportunity and tried to snuff out my candle. Oh no he will not. Instead, I am replacing those lies with thoughts that God ended her life perfectly. What if my never making it in time to see her was His mercy? Or even, His discipline? What if He was able to show grace and compassion to her in the last moments? What if her previous two years of isolation and depression were the preparation of her heart to realize her need for Him?
It is pretty obvious to me that with all the times I had tried to share the gospel with her, it was never going to actually land from me. I think I also have just realized that the good news (gospel) is really about who God is, not who we are. It is not up to us, dependent on us, or reliant on us. It is always, only, about Him.
What I see now is the perfect way He kept me from her so He could work. (When was the last time a simple 2 hour domestic flight was literally grounded due to mechanical issues with no other flight options?)
And I am confident now He could have opened her eyes just before He closed them. He could have placed a nurse or a minister over her at just the right time. Paul reminds us in Romans chapter 5 that sinners are cleansed through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross alone and there is always hope for every soul to be made righteous. We cannot clean ourselves up, only God can…even in the last moments. Oh the wonderful hope of it all! If I had made it there to see her I might have turned her farther away.
I might have gotten in the way.
Or more likely, I was simply not meant to see it happen. Because I still need to grow in my own faith. It was never my ending to be had, but hers. Not my will, but His. If I am to ever fully accept His unconditional love, I must stop placing conditions on what He can do.
As I reflect on my moms life, how it was riddled with much pain and turbulence all her own, I know she too had a story; both tragic and beautiful. My mom was difficult to love sometimes. If you know me at all, you know how troubled our relationship was at times and how much I was burdened by it. As I am sure she was too. But the last two years have been especially hard for her. COVID-19 brought on isolation, fear and depression. She became more lonely and sedentary. I consider now that God might have been using this humbling time of quiet to prepare her for the ending. Maybe bringing her low, to see a need for Jesus, so she would be ready to receive Him completely.
I am reminded of the book of Daniel, where King Nebuchadnezzar, a true narcissist, went seven years of nearly going insane, being brought low, so that he would be able to return to his right mind in his last days and give all glory to God. King Nebuchadnezzar appeared beyond saving to some…But God y’all. The greater the challenge, the greater His glory!
But at the end of those days, I, Nebuchadnezzar, looked up to heaven, and my reason
returned to me. Then I praised the Most High and honored and gloried him
who lives forever. Daniel 4:34.
What matters is that my mom also needed Gods grace, and mercy. She too was broken, human, like you and me, in need of a Savior. She was not too far lost, or too far removed. I must cling to the hope that she cried out to her Heavenly Father in her time of need. Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16.
And because God can mercifully save whomever He wishes. He is able to humble those who walk in pride…Daniel 4:37. And, as Moses heard from the Lord, “I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” Exodus 33:19. We are not owed answers nor are we to judge ones heart. Only God can.
So you see, He is in total control. And this means perfect endings, every time.
For this moment, I am intentionally choosing hope that my moms passing went exactly how God ordained it and not a single shred short of perfect. She needed to make peace with her perfect Father without me muddying up the space. I could not be part of it and that is ok. Not me again…but HIM. Every time.
And it is also essential to cling to the promise that God is patient with us, not wanting any to perish, but for all to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9. That one verse should give us great hope!
So what situations are you trying to take over that God might want you to step down and move over? Where do you need to rest in his ability to work things according to his will and in his perfect way? Can you trust him with the details? What ending do you need peace over? Let me encourage you: He will always be sovereign but the details are not always ours to know. It is when we trust in that and remain hopeful in the promises we have, we will never be denied a glorious eternity. We will receive a peace that surpasses all understanding and our hearts will eventually heal as they step back in line with Him.
Be encouraged by hope and fueled by truth my fellow grievers. He knows your details as He knows mine. Just as He knows our moms'. None are too messy, none too wrecked. All are made whole through His perfect character. In that we should rejoice!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Comentários